Authentically Nita

I knew it.  All the signs were there.  This man flipped the script so fast!  We were just in love and planning on starting our business so we could really build something.   Ex had enrolled in school and began classes.  Soon after, he started going out without me.  He was staying out really late.  At family events he sat in a corner with his face in his phone texting and smiling instead of talking with the guys.  I wasn't stupid.  I confronted him and he denied any wrong doing.  I waited up for him so many nights.  The bars closed at 2:00 am.  Sometimes he didn't make it home until 5 or 6.  He said he was at the "after hour."  I called him a liar.  I argued with him every day.  I bitched and yelled, and he wouldn't tell me the truth.  I tried talking and reasoning with him, but he wouldn't tell me the truth.  I had to find out on my own.  So I did.  After only three months...

Sometimes I think Ex loved me more than I loved myself.  He loved me so much that he put me on a pedestal and held me to a higher standard. There were so many things that I was supposed to be.  Pretty but humble, kind-hearted but unyielding, well kept but natural, conservative but open-minded, reserved but out-going, strong but soft, cordial but not too friendly.  It was almost impossible and quite draining to keep up with.  Still, I was determined to keep it up.  Ex thought more highly of me than I thought of myself and I wanted to be everything he thought I was.  So I did....or at least, I tried. Sometimes I was too friendly or didn't say the right thing.  Other times I held back too much and came off as awkward.  It was a little nerve-racking to not know when I should or shouldn't speak to someone.  Normally, I would just speak to store clerks to be polite.  Now, I needed to make sure I wasn't being, "joe."  It really wasn't...

He uses alcohol to cover his pain. Unsure of how to sustain He lays down his troubles With me, And I provide him with a soft touch. Nothing much, But just enough To ease his mind. Enough to relax him To help him unwind. And he tells me of his sorrows. How he wishes there were no tomorrow. He doesn’t know his beauty Or his worth. So I provide him comforting words. Nothing much Just what should be heard To ease his mind. My eyes meet his and we finally kiss. Racing hearts, now exist. He doesn’t know if he should Go further. So I provide him reassurance Nothing much, But it gives him a chance To ease his mind. It helps him relax As our bodies entwine. Then within him all the anguish sleeps. While inside me, I can feel him deep. He was so in need of being wanted And set free. So I provided him this simple crutch It’s nothing much, But just enough To ease his mind. Enough to relax him And help him unwind. by  Juanita Harris Published in R.I.P. - Rejection, Inspiration & Peace

Look at them in pity. Look at them in shame. Wonder why their life’s a mess, Wonder who’s to blame. Wonder if it really works, Their method for masking pain. Hide it all momentarily. Fuck the clarity! They get lifted, Vision shifted, Feeling gifted, For a moment in time. With each hit it’s like rewind Spinning their minds Into another place. Smiles on their faces Leave no traces Of reality. They have a way of escaping But not me. Not me. Lonely heart, Hungry mind, Misplaced anger, Running out of time. Stopping To watch her buy a dime. Belly full with baby But that’s not on her mind As she gets lifted And takes a magical ride Trying to mask what’s inside. And when the crack pipe no longer blazes, She sits Wide eyes gazing. In a zone Reality gone Feeling thankful for the white stone. Vision shifted, She’s so lifted. She’s hiding from reality, But not me. Not me. Lonely Heart, Hungry mind, Misplaced anger, Running out of time. Stopping As I approach my home. Uncle off in his zone. TV gone...