Ex... (P1.2)

Sometimes I think Ex loved me more than I loved myself.

He loved me so much that he put me on a pedestal and held me to a higher standard.

There were so many things that I was supposed to be. Pretty but humble, kind-hearted but unyielding, well kept but natural, conservative but open-minded, reserved but out-going, strong but soft, cordial but not too friendly. It was almost impossible and quite draining to keep up with. Still, I was determined to keep it up. Ex thought more highly of me than I thought of myself and I wanted to be everything he thought I was.

So I did....or at least, I tried.

Sometimes I was too friendly or didn't say the right thing. Other times I held back too much and came off as awkward. It was a little nerve-racking to not know when I should or shouldn't speak to someone. Normally, I would just speak to store clerks to be polite. Now, I needed to make sure I wasn't being, "joe." It really wasn't a big deal I guess. My need to please Ex was so strong that I was willing to change or fix anything he needed me to. Of course, some of this change was done with complaints and sass, but it was still done.

For some reason, at that time, I needed Ex to be happy. I never thought much about my own happiness. I just knew that when he was in a good mood we had the best times. We laughed and joked. We watched movies and football. We went out and had drinks. We had fun, and I needed that.

Now, don't get the wrong idea,

This wasn't some crazy, dark and twisted relationship where Ex forced me to change. It was my choice. He wasn't barking orders at me like, "Go get my plate woman!" or "This house better not be dirty when I get home from work." He put me up on that pedestal because he thought very highly of me as a person. Ex really loved me. He told me I was beautiful every day. He sang to me and wrote me poetry. He opened doors for me. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. He made me soup when I was sick. He doted on me. And most of the time I felt really loved.

Still, here I was standing across from him on our wedding day with a heart full of doubt and uncertainty. Ex looked over at me and read me like a book. Confusion ran across his face and for a moment he looked sad. The Pastor's voice chimed in, "We now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Ex." We both smiled and looked at the audience. "Cue the smiles," I thought...

Cue the fake fucking smiles.

Ex ...(P1.1)

Ex ...(P1.3)

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No More Tears - written by Juanita Harris

This is a poem about leaving an abusive relationship. It is published in my book "RIP-Rejection, Inspiration & Peace." released in May of this year. Let me know what you think. No More Tears I’ve dropped a million tears for you, But I shall drop no more. I lived my life in fear of you, But I shall fear no more. I put my pride Aside For you, But now I’m walking out the door. You see, I put my dreams aside for you. Did anything You wanted me to. I cooked your meals And ironed your clothes. I made love to you All nightlong. I was devoted to you And still You did me wrong. I supported you Through the hardest times. I’ve paid bail and lawyer’s fees. I brought you in whatever you needed Be it cigarettes Or weed. I sat through visitations Twice a week, But when you got out (of jail) I was your last priority. Everyday You would say That you love me. But you took away My dignity, With bruises And beatings And nights Of laying beside you, Crying While you’re sleeping. Yeah, I’...

Ex ...(P2.1) The beginning

I think ...for you to truly understand, I have to go back to the beginning. I love, being in love, and back in my 20s it was I could dream about. I wanted a husband and a friend. I wanted a soul mate and a lover. I wanted a family. I wanted to grow old with my husband. I dreamed that one day we would be elderly sitting on our porch in rocking chairs fussing at our grandchildren together. My husband and I. Summer Fling 2002 - I was sitting in the kitchen listening to music when my mother called. She was at work and needed tampons. I grabbed the tampons and my purse and headed out the door. It was a warm summer night. I walked to the corner and checked for the bus. Nothing. I'd have to walk the four blocks to her job. It was Friday and the whole neighborhood seemed to be outside. Teenagers roamed the streets in groups talking loudly. Cars cruised down the block with various genres of music fading away as they passed. A small crowd lingered outside the Chinese store. I walked q...

Ex... (P1.3)

I knew it. All the signs were there. This man flipped the script so fast! We were just in love and planning on starting our business so we could really build something. Ex had enrolled in school and began classes. Soon after, he started going out without me. He was staying out really late. At family events he sat in a corner with his face in his phone texting and smiling instead of talking with the guys. I wasn't stupid. I confronted him and he denied any wrong doing. I waited up for him so many nights. The bars closed at 2:00 am. Sometimes he didn't make it home until 5 or 6. He said he was at the "after hour." I called him a liar. I argued with him every day. I bitched and yelled, and he wouldn't tell me the truth. I tried talking and reasoning with him, but he wouldn't tell me the truth. I had to find out on my own. So I did. After only three months...

Just Enough

He uses alcohol to cover his pain. Unsure of how to sustain He lays down his troubles With me, And I provide him with a soft touch. Nothing much, But just enough To ease his mind. Enough to relax him To help him unwind. And he tells me of his sorrows. How he wishes there were no tomorrow. He doesn’t know his beauty Or his worth. So I provide him comforting words. Nothing much Just what should be heard To ease his mind. My eyes meet his and we finally kiss. Racing hearts, now exist. He doesn’t know if he should Go further. So I provide him reassurance Nothing much, But it gives him a chance To ease his mind. It helps him relax As our bodies entwine. Then within him all the anguish sleeps. While inside me, I can feel him deep. He was so in need of being wanted And set free. So I provided him this simple crutch It’s nothing much, But just enough To ease his mind. Enough to relax him And help him unwind. by Juanita Harris Published in R.I.P. - Rejection, Inspiration & Peace

Lifted

Look at them in pity. Look at them in shame. Wonder why their life’s a mess, Wonder who’s to blame. Wonder if it really works, Their method for masking pain. Hide it all momentarily. Fuck the clarity! They get lifted, Vision shifted, Feeling gifted, For a moment in time. With each hit it’s like rewind Spinning their minds Into another place. Smiles on their faces Leave no traces Of reality. They have a way of escaping But not me. Not me. Lonely heart, Hungry mind, Misplaced anger, Running out of time. Stopping To watch her buy a dime. Belly full with baby But that’s not on her mind As she gets lifted And takes a magical ride Trying to mask what’s inside. And when the crack pipe no longer blazes, She sits Wide eyes gazing. In a zone Reality gone Feeling thankful for the white stone. Vision shifted, She’s so lifted. She’s hiding from reality, But not me. Not me. Lonely Heart, Hungry mind, Misplaced anger, Running out of time. Stopping As I approach my home. Uncle off in his zone. TV gone...

Joy Pie

This Sunday's poem is one that I wrote, because I needed to turn in something for school. I'm not really feeling this one, but maybe someone else will. I'm also not promoting bad eating habits, even though it sounds like I am.... Joy Pie Written by Juanita Harris (c) 2011 Serve me up some Joy Pie Filled with smiles and glee Crust as golden as the sun And sweet as sweet can be. It'll be yummy to my tiny tummy As I'm gulping away the jeers. Tasty pastries are the best way To wash away the tears. So give me Blueberry Custard, Lemon Meringue Southern Pecan or Chocolate Cream, And some Apple Turnovers Busting at the seams! They melt in my mouth Mmmmm, yum yum yum! I promised myself That I'd eat only one, But here I am licking another plate clean Of cheery Cherry Pie Letting go of the sadness And telling my troubles,"good-by!" Life's problems Are sometimes hard to swallow So I'll smother the drama with sugar And ho...

Domestic Violence Awareness month

This month is Domestic Abuse Awareness month. Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44 in the United States. As a former victim of Domestic Abuse I feel strongly about getting the word out and letting women know that they are not alone in their battle. I will be posting poetry, information and stories about Domestic Abuse. I will also share bits and pieces of my own story. When I experienced this, it seemed that there were stages I went through in dealing with him and the abuse. I remember when the abuse first started and I didn't want to tell anyone because I was embarrassed. The first time he ever really left a mark on me was in the Spring of 2001. Our daughter was a few months old. He punched me in my eye and it turned black and blue and the side of my face was swollen. I didn't want to go to work with my face messed up because I was a Bank Teller and my customers were regulars. I didn't want to deal with anyone asking quest...

Authentically Nita

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