Authentically Nita

I think ...for you to truly understand, I have to go back to the beginning.  I love, being in love, and back in my 20s it was I could dream about. I wanted a husband and a friend. I wanted a soul mate and a lover. I wanted a family. I wanted to grow old with my husband. I dreamed that one day we would be elderly sitting on our porch in rocking chairs fussing at our grandchildren together. My husband and I.  Summer Fling 2002 - I was sitting in the kitchen listening to music when my mother called. She was at work and needed tampons. I grabbed the tampons and my purse and headed out the door. It was a warm summer night. I walked to the corner and checked for the bus. Nothing. I'd have to walk the four blocks to her job. It was Friday and the whole neighborhood seemed to be outside. Teenagers roamed the streets in groups talking loudly. Cars cruised down the block with various genres of music fading away as they passed. A small crowd lingered outside the Chinese store. I walked q...

I knew it.  All the signs were there.  This man flipped the script so fast!  We were just in love and planning on starting our business so we could really build something.   Ex had enrolled in school and began classes.  Soon after, he started going out without me.  He was staying out really late.  At family events he sat in a corner with his face in his phone texting and smiling instead of talking with the guys.  I wasn't stupid.  I confronted him and he denied any wrong doing.  I waited up for him so many nights.  The bars closed at 2:00 am.  Sometimes he didn't make it home until 5 or 6.  He said he was at the "after hour."  I called him a liar.  I argued with him every day.  I bitched and yelled, and he wouldn't tell me the truth.  I tried talking and reasoning with him, but he wouldn't tell me the truth.  I had to find out on my own.  So I did.  After only three months...

Sometimes I think Ex loved me more than I loved myself.  He loved me so much that he put me on a pedestal and held me to a higher standard. There were so many things that I was supposed to be.  Pretty but humble, kind-hearted but unyielding, well kept but natural, conservative but open-minded, reserved but out-going, strong but soft, cordial but not too friendly.  It was almost impossible and quite draining to keep up with.  Still, I was determined to keep it up.  Ex thought more highly of me than I thought of myself and I wanted to be everything he thought I was.  So I did....or at least, I tried. Sometimes I was too friendly or didn't say the right thing.  Other times I held back too much and came off as awkward.  It was a little nerve-racking to not know when I should or shouldn't speak to someone.  Normally, I would just speak to store clerks to be polite.  Now, I needed to make sure I wasn't being, "joe."  It really wasn't...